"Come Forward"

Lying in my bed with eyes closed I remembered the call of the Pastor the night before. “Come forward if you want to receive the Holy Spirit”.  Did I hear right?  He wanted people to come forward so they could pray for them to receive the Holy Spirit.  A part of me wanting and even yearning to go up there was haunting me but with all my might I held steadfast where I stood refusing to give into this.  There have been other times too when I heard them ask people to come forward in other churches.  At times I wanted to go up there for prayer but would not budge those times either. 

I did go up once in Germany many years ago.  There was something so overwhelming there that I could not resist.  I went up there, and at that alter I gave my life to Christ and when a woman told me to receive the Holy Spirit I did what she said and I spoke in tongues for the very first time.  But later doubt set in and I wondered if it was all real. As time passed by I even forgot that feeling and lost my interest in God.  I was too absorbed with a picture perfect life that I saw for myself.  I soon got married and started having children.  I went to church now and then but rarely opened my bible and only prayed when it seemed there was nothing else to do.  God was not important to me. I never really thought much about him. 

So now I lay here on my bed wondering what this Holy Spirit thing was really about.  “Holy Spirit, I said, will you come into me now?”  I opened my mouth thinking he would enter that way which now seems kind of crazy.  Nothing seemed to happen.  I wondered if my chance was over since I did not go up to the front at the church.  Was that my chance?  Did I blow it I thought?  But I know that years after I shut God out of my life sitting alone one night I asked him to come back.  I ask him to take over my life.  I was really sorry for the way I had been living, even convicted so badly my heart ached.  And then things seemed to change after that.  Not all at once but things began to happen.  Things began to change.  I decided I wanted a Godly man in my life if there were to be any. I was through with the ones that said one thing but lived another. I was through also with the ones that said I do not believe.  Because I knew deep in my heart there had to be more.  I began to attend church and bible study and my thinking began to change from the worlds view to that of God’s word. I believe I was saved; truly he began to mold me. And my whole life changed. 

Again I lay there, mouth open, relaxing my whole body asking the Holy Spirit to come.  But later I realized although I asked I was not ready.  I began to look up what it meant to receive the Holy Spirit.  Some believe that when it happens you will speak in tongues.  But that is not all there was to it.  The more I read the more I understood that I had to surrender my life and allow myself to be used.  I needed to become an instrument he could use.  I read that I needed to get any sin out of my life that I was aware of.  I read that I had to be willing and available to be used.  I had to essentially give up and accept what ever he had for me.  It was not just about speaking in tongues. It was about belonging solely to God and giving up myself.  It was about being willing to accept an assignment and being willing to accept the consequences.  It was about being willing to go through the trials and about staying the course. 

I don’t think it happened at that moment laying there with my mouth open but later in my car.  I usually pray in there before work and sometimes in tongues.  And this time I said I give up.  I give up.  I will let you have all of me.  I will surrender to you so you can use me and I will accept what ever comes along with it.  I planned on trying this out for 6 months or so and if it didn’t work out then I could just get on with things.  But God had other plans.  He will never let me give up.  My mind is filled with him now.  His work is my work now.  I am totally consumed by this Holy Spirit thing now.  The seed was planted with a call, “come up front” and even though I refused to comply God was only beginning.  He continued to plant seeds. He continued to draw me to complete submission.  I am scared to death sometimes and wonder why I am where I am or why I am doing what I am doing or even what lies ahead.  That is the scariest of all when I wonder what is ahead.  I have seen things just fall into place.  I have ended up doing things I never planned but when the doors open I move. I no longer freeze in my tracks.  I go forward.